Parenting Done Right. . . and Me

What follows is a list of three case studies in my own family, all taking place yesterday and leading me to believe that I am in a family of wonderful parents, but if nothing changes, it may be good for me, personally, to remain a virgin.

Case Study #1

Transcript from a Phone Call with Mom:

"Follow your dreams, I mean directions. Do you need to get off the phone with me in order to do that?"

In a short interview with the alleged mother, I was informed that it supposedly felt more natural to finish "follow your..." with "dreams" than with almost anything else. Parenting FTW.

Case Study #2

A Convo with Aunt Vicki:

Aunt Vicki heard a loud knock on her door yesterday and after about 15 seconds, she came back walking with a small thing about two feet tall, who wore an argyle vest, small-child Einstein hair, and a scared deer look. The child looked nervous enough to forgo growing up in order to once again use his not-so-big-boy panties. 

Vicki looked the thing straight in the eyes, greeted him like a little adult, and introduced him to our rather intimidatingly large family.

"This is Dean's best friend..." she said, and proceeded to have a nice conversation with the strange little man. 

He calmed down and no panties were soiled... yet.

Case Study #3

Me:

To little deer-Einstein: "Do you want a cookie from a stranger?"